Key Takeaways
- If your spouse is addicted to drugs, you can encourage treatment and support their recovery, but you cannot take responsibility for their decision to change.
- Setting healthy boundaries can help you support your spouse without protecting them from the consequences of continued drug use.
- Professional addiction treatment, family counseling, education, and support for your own well-being can all play important roles when helping a spouse with drug addiction.
Drug addiction can turn the person you love the most into someone unrecognizable. If your spouse struggles with drug addiction, you probably experience a wide range of emotions – anger, fear, resentment, hopelessness, and more. You have likely endured hurtful words and actions from the person you should be able to trust the most.
Addiction is a family disease because it damages every person in the family unit. Besides the emotional pain and stress it causes family members, it may also cause financial, legal, and other serious problems.
But with professional help, recovery is possible, and the family unit can heal. Family involvement can also play an important role in treatment and recovery, helping loved ones better understand addiction and learn healthier ways to support the recovery process.
Why Can’t My Spouse Simply Stop Using Drugs?
It is normal to feel anger and frustration with your addicted loved one, believing they should love you enough to stop the addiction that is destroying your relationship. If you understand the disease of addiction and how it affects the brain, you will appreciate how hard it is for an addicted person to stop using drugs on their own.
The American Society of Addiction Medicine defines addiction as, “a treatable, chronic medical disease involving complex interactions among brain circuits, genetics, the environment, and an individual’s life experiences. People with addiction use substances or engage in behaviors that become compulsive and often continue despite harmful consequences.”
The key takeaways are that addiction is a chronic medical disease that affects the way the brain works and that it is treatable. Repeated drug use can affect brain circuits involved in reward, stress, judgment, decision-making, learning, and behavior, which helps explain why simply deciding to stop may not be enough for someone with a substance use disorder.
What Should I Do If My Spouse Is Addicted to Drugs?
If your spouse is addicted to drugs, focus on what you can realistically control: how you communicate, the boundaries you establish, the support you offer, and whether you seek professional guidance. You cannot recover for your spouse, but you can encourage them to get help.
Some practical first steps include:
- Learn about addiction and available treatment options.
- Talk with your spouse when they are sober and you are both as calm as possible.
- Express your concerns without attacking or shaming them.
- Encourage an assessment by an addiction treatment professional.
- Set clear boundaries and avoid behaviors that enable continued drug use.
- Seek counseling or support for yourself and other affected family members.
If your spouse is willing to consider treatment, having information about appropriate programs ready can make taking that next step easier.
How To Help a Spouse Overcome Addiction
If a doctor diagnosed your spouse with cancer, diabetes, heart disease, or another chronic condition, you would want to learn about the disease and the ways you could help. It should be the same with the chronic disease of addiction. The more you learn about addiction, the more you will get over your anger and disappointment and be ready to help your spouse recover.
There is no single reason someone develops an addiction. Genetics, mental and physical health, life experiences, environment, stress, and exposure to addictive substances can all play a role. Using an addictive substance can trigger the pleasure and reward system of the brain.
As drug use continues, the brain actually rewires itself, so it comes to rely on the influx of the addictive substance to deliver the pleasure response. Over time, these changes can contribute to compulsive drug use even when a person recognizes that it is harming their health, relationships, or other areas of their life.
Consider an Intervention When Your Spouse Refuses Treatment
You have talked, threatened, cried, and more, and still, your spouse resists treatment and continues to use drugs. What now? It may be time to stage an intervention. While you can plan the intervention on your own, it is helpful to seek guidance from an addiction specialist or a professional interventionist.
You should carefully plan an intervention before the actual meeting and include only those your spouse trusts and who can remain nonjudgmental. You, and other friends or family who are attending, should write out specific examples of how your spouse’s addictive behavior has hurt them. Discuss what each person will say, and what to do if your spouse refuses treatment.
Be ready with information about local or online NA support group meeting schedules, and details about the inpatient or outpatient treatment program you have researched and selected as the best treatment program for your spouse.
Throughout the intervention, it is important to reassure your spouse that you believe they can recover and that you will support them throughout the process.
Other Ways To Help Your Addicted Spouse
What If My Spouse Refuses Addiction Treatment?
Don’t give up hope. Your words may have a bigger impact than you realize and might be the reason they eventually seek treatment. Meanwhile, set boundaries and stick to them. Make your spouse responsible for their behavior. Refuse to cover for them by bailing them out or making excuses for missing work. Reinforce that their actions have consequences.
Supporting your spouse does not mean protecting them from every consequence of their substance use. Healthy boundaries allow you to care about your spouse and encourage recovery without taking responsibility for choices that belong to them.
“You can love someone with everything you have and still not be able to make that decision for them. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is stop trying to fix everything for them, set some boundaries, and be there when they’re ready to accept help.”
— Taylor Brown, CRADC
During and after treatment
- Attend family counseling. Communicate regularly with the treatment team about progress or concerns.
- Commit to a drug and alcohol-free, and calm home environment.
- Understand which people, places, or situations have triggered past addictive behavior and help your spouse avoid or better manage these triggers.
- Encourage your spouse to develop new relationships and activities with sober people. Explore drug-free activities you can do together.
- Encourage your spouse to remain in individual or group counseling, and to attend a support group regularly.
When Your Spouse’s Drug Use Becomes an Emergency
If you believe your spouse is experiencing an overdose or another medical emergency, call 911 immediately. If opioids may be involved and naloxone is available, administering it can temporarily reverse an opioid overdose while emergency help is on the way.
Your safety matters, too. If your spouse’s behavior makes you or another family member feel threatened or unsafe, prioritize getting to a safe place and contacting emergency services rather than trying to manage the situation yourself.
Whether or not your spouse has agreed to enter treatment, it is important that you take care of yourself. By living a healthy lifestyle, including good nutrition, regular exercise, and practicing techniques like meditation, yoga, mindfulness, and other ways to manage stress, you are providing a healthy environment for you and your family. The happier and more centered you are, the better equipped you are to help your addicted spouse.
Counseling and family support groups can also give you a place to talk honestly about what you’re experiencing and learn how to support your spouse without neglecting your own needs. Taking care of yourself is not the same as giving up on your spouse.
At Midwest Recovery Centers, our compassionate staff specializes in treating prescription or illegal drug dependence, alcohol dependence, co-occurring disorders, and other addictive behaviors, while providing education, counseling, and support for families.
If you’re concerned about your spouse’s drug use and aren’t sure what the next step should be, Midwest Recovery Centers can help you understand available treatment options. Contact Midwest Recovery Centers today to learn how we can help.
Frequently Asked Questions
What should I do if my spouse is addicted to drugs?
Start by learning about addiction, talking with your spouse about your concerns when they are sober, and encouraging them to seek professional treatment. You can support their recovery while also setting healthy boundaries and seeking counseling or support for yourself.
How can I help my spouse with drug addiction?
You can help by encouraging professional treatment, learning about addiction, avoiding behaviors that enable continued drug use, participating in family counseling when appropriate, and supporting healthy changes during recovery. You can support your spouse, but you cannot make the decision to recover for them.
What should I do if my spouse refuses addiction treatment?
If your spouse refuses treatment, continue communicating your concerns while establishing clear boundaries around behaviors you will and will not accept. An addiction professional or intervention specialist may also help you determine appropriate next steps.
How do I set boundaries with an addicted spouse?
Healthy boundaries clearly communicate what you will and will not do in response to your spouse’s substance use. Examples may include refusing to provide money for drugs, declining to make excuses for their behavior, or refusing to ride in a vehicle when they are impaired. Boundaries should focus on actions you can control and consequences you are prepared to follow through on.
Can family support help someone recover from addiction?
Yes. Family involvement can be an important part of addiction treatment and recovery. Education, family counseling, healthy communication, appropriate boundaries, and a supportive home environment can help families address the effects of addiction while supporting recovery.
Reviewed and Assessed by
Taylor Brown, B.A.Com., MAADC II
Tim Coleman, M. of Ed.